01 Dec Watch Your Language!
The holiday season is upon us!
‘Tis the season to be jolly
A chance to spend extra time with our loved ones and friends and celebrate this cheerful time with our colleagues/business acquaintances at a Christmas function…
It’s a time to be joyful, merry and at peace, right?
So why is it that this festive period of time can also lead to drama, conflict and fall out with others?
Well, one school of thought is that we approach such “special” occasions with high expectations. There’s so much build up and excitement created about the holidays that we can place too much expectations of it being totally amazing and having the best time of EVER. Then if it falls short, we’re disappointed and take it out on others.
It can be a time when people drink too much, leading to things being said that are hurtful and unkind.
Similarly, sometimes the longer we spend with people, particularly those we wouldn’t normally spend so much time with, the greater the chance for conflict and frustrations. We can start to notice aspects of another that bug us. We can feel “suffocated”, irritated or tired of other’s company and crave some space. In those moments, the feeling of “I need to escape!” can lead to people becoming less thoughtful and too direct (intentionally or not) or being just plain rude in their attempts to separate themselves.
Eek! Such an emotional roller coaster of a time, eh?
Should you tell the person how you feel or stay silent?
Well, it depends entirely on the situation. You’ll have to follow your heart.
Whenever there is something that is bothering you about another person or situation and it’s really playing on your mind and bringing you down, it can be such a great release to speak up and talk to them about it, providing you feel safe to do so.
Voice your truth appropriately with loving-kindness, understanding and compassion and do this at all times in life, not just when you’re at boiling point, as that is too late! It’s unfair and unkind on you to carry those low vibrational energy thoughts, feelings and emotions around with you.
If you decide to share with the person how you’re feeling, choose an appropriate time to do so, without delay. This gives you both the opportunity to discuss things whilst it’s still fresh in the mind, rather than weeks or months down the line, when it becomes difficult to recall the specifics and emotions have been left to fester.
Whether it’s a telephone or face to face conversation, it’s best for there to be as little distractions as possible. Think about the right place to talk by considering your surroundings. You’ll likely want a quiet place where you feel comfortable and relaxed.
Remember your state is everything! Ensuring your energy is at its best when you talk is critical. Place your hand on your heart and take at least three good deep breaths. This can help with changing your inner state to a better-feeling one or help you to feel calmer if you’re anxious about the conversation.
You might find it beneficial to choose your ‘introductory words’ too. Think ahead of how you would like to start the conversation, so you’re not lost for words and can speak confidently from the get go.
You will also want to express yourself in a way that does not ‘blame them’ for whatever the situation is, particularly if there has been conflict between you both. This is vital if you wish for the conversation to go as well as possible and to end on a positive note.
Have you ever been told “it’s your fault”? How did you feel?
If someone feels blamed or is told it’s their fault or they’ve done “wrong,” they are quite likely to become defensive and justify their position. This can cause upset, disagreements and arguments.
Therefore, it’s crucial that you deliver what you want to say well and one way you can do this is through using ‘I’ Statements.
‘I’ Statements can help you communicate with others in a more assertive (with less passivity or aggression) manner and will allow you to convey what’s upsetting, frustrating or making you angry whilst minimising blaming and conflict.
Using the word “I” instead of “you” is a more powerful way to express your thoughts and emotions, because it shows how you feel and is not accusing and as “finger-pointed” and blaming as “you” is when said to someone.
The other person may find it more difficult to argue with “I”, because another person can’t argue with how you feel. They may not necessarily agree with your feelings. However, your feelings are your own and are generated from inside you.
There are many ways to use ‘I’ Statements:
Situations – Factual and Direct:
- I’ve noticed that _____
- I find it hard to talk to you because _____
Feelings – The other person can’t challenge that you do feel this way:
- I feel/felt _____ when you _____ because _____
Your needs – This is what you expect:
- I would like you to _____ because _____
- I would appreciate if you could _____ because _____
Understanding – Shows how the other person’s behaviour affects/affected you:
- I get the impression you don’t agree with this
- I have a feeling you’re not keen on the suggestions I’ve made
Here are a couple of examples of how you can switch “you” with “I”:
Regular Statement: “You make me angry because you’re always late.”
‘I’ Statement: “I feel frustrated when you come home late because I stay awake worrying.”
Regular Statement: “You never respond to my messages. You don’t even care.”
‘I’ Statement: “I feel hurt when you don’t respond to my messages, because it seems like you don’t care.”
‘I’ Statements are actually very empowering. They allow you to be in better control of your thoughts, feelings and emotions.
By watching your language, you are standing in your personal power! And when you are confidently asserting yourself in a way that mitigates conflict for the highest good of everyone involved, it can lead to a ‘Win-Win’ situation for all!
I hope this article will assist you during the holiday season and throughout life in general. I would love to hear your thoughts on it! Do you feel more empowered? Are you feeling able to handle “that” conversation? Simply click ‘like’ and please do let me know in the comments box below.
Also, why not consider sharing it with somebody who could benefit from reading this too? After all #SharingIsCaring
If communicating effectively and conflict resolution is an area you’d like more support with, I’d love to show you how you can confidently speak up and be heard. All you have to do is CLICK HERE.
Teresha, The Confidence Restyler™ Xx